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Showing posts from 2013

Release

A few weeks ago, I was sitting on a flight heading back home to Georgia from Australia. I had booked my return flight at the last minute with a cheap airline because I didn't want to sell both arms and legs to pay for the crazy expensive prices on the better airlines. At the end of the day, I made it from point A to point B, which I guess is the point. Anyway, during the flight we encountered some turbulence. The pilot said that flying over Fiji is always like that - something about their weather I think he said. I was just trying to hold in my airline meal at the time, so I wasn't entirely paying attention. :) After his announcement, I remember looking up and noticing that the "fasten seatbelts" sign wasn't lit up. I was surprised, especially because of just how  bumpy that portion of the flight was. Parts of my flight (with a more expensive airline) coming to Sydney had been bumpy, and the "fasten seatbelts" sign had been lit up the whole time. T

Dusty Boxes

I was a little girl. Innocent. I shouldn't have known such pain, but I did. Not physical pain, but deep emotional pain. I think I could have dealt with the physical pain - at least that heals. But this pain, it lingers. Over and over again it cuts me to the core and I wonder how I will heal yet again. I wonder if  I will heal. Rejection. Disgust. Never good enough. That's what I felt. It's what I still feel. I used to think maybe it would get better. "Maybe he'll change," I told myself. Yet even as the words formed in my mind, I knew I didn't really believe them. It had been over 20 years and nothing had changed - why would it be different now? The pain went on, sometimes with new wounds on a daily basis. Inside, I was still a little girl, still trying to process how to stop the hurting, how to make things happy again. I wondered what I'd done wrong, in what way I hadn't measured up this time. For most of my life, I thought I just wasn'

There are days...

...when I feel like I can hardly breathe because I miss you so... ...when all I long for is just to hold your hand again ...when I look at pictures of us together and try to tell myself it won't be long ...when I desperately want to believe it won't be long til you're home, but it still feels like eternity ...when I don't want to just tell you about a moment that happened, I want you to be here to experience it with us ...when I get tired of explaining to people that yes, I'm married, even though some friends may have never met you ...when I'm tired of the waiting and the countdown and I just want our homecoming to be here ...when I want to laugh with you, cry with you, be with you. Make no mistake - deployment is hard.

Worship in the Waiting

It's something that I was talking to someone about recently - a lesson I thought I'd learned. A lesson they were learning. A hard lesson. But of late, I'm re-learning. I have to worship in the waiting. Right now, I'm waiting for my husband to come home. He's been gone about 8 months, and every one of them I have missed him more. The waiting isn't easy at all. Sometimes I get busy and the hours pass without me noticing...but make no mistake, I still miss him. I still want him by my side more than anything. I have my days when I just want to cry and fall apart - I'm human. At the same time, I know God has purpose in this season. After all, why else would He have brought us to this? So, I have walked these eight months trying to keep that mindset. I have tried to look at each new week as an opportunity to further allow Him to fulfil His purpose in me. And, for the most part, it keeps me going when things get tough. But lately I've gotten to think more

Sometimes

Some days, my day is extremely productive and I wrap up my day with my homework completed for the night, a tidy house, and a happy heart. Sometimes, I get nothing done at all. Today was one of those "sometimes". Dishes piled all over my counter, a half-completed lab assignment, toys spread throughout the house, clothes waiting to be put away, laundry desperately needing to be done, sheets that haven't been washed in I don't know how long floors that seem to attract the leaves from outside, and A never-ending pile of homework. A pinch of reality. :) But...I'm learning that when life gets crazy busy and everything starts to feel overwhelming and like "I don't know how to get all this done," the very thing I need to do is what makes no sense: stop . Breathe. So, in the spirit of taking time to breathe, I forgot the pile of dishes. I left my sheets to be washed another day. And I decided the laundry could wait til Selah went to bed.

Free

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Chains. Bondage. Empty. Alone. As I look into your eyes, I see so much emptiness...so much sadness...so much hopelessness. You are searching, longing for more. You want peace. You want hope. You want to know freedom. You want healing for your scarred heart. But you're scared. What will it cost? Will it be worth it? Oh, that I could help you see that the trade-off is nothing in comparison to what you will receive. That emptiness you feel? Filled, to overflowing. That sadness? Replaced with the greatest joy you could know. That hopelessness? Changed into such hope and peace beyond your comprehension. Dear one, HE is the rest you seek. HE is the joy you long for. HE is what you are craving. Won't you let Him set you free? Freedom Joy Hope A future

It's Not What I Wanted

Sometimes, I wish I was somebody else.  Somebody with a normal life. Somebody who lives in the same house for more than a year at a time. Somebody who has a regular, stable income. Somebody whose hair doesn't start to change color in their 20's. Somebody who has a predictable, mundane life. All of my life I had envisioned this picture perfect life - nice home, money in the bank, steady job. I never wanted luxury, just enough to meet our needs and have a little in the bank. I didn't imagine a big fancy home, just something we could call home and that could be a peaceful, restful place. My desire was not for much, just for enough. Seven moves, five years... Four different jobs... Four states... Six different houses... With all of the twists and turns of  this life, sometimes I have struggled with the fact that nothing about my life looks the way I wanted it to. It's just not "normal". Just recently I learned that next year we will be do

Seven Years & God's Fingerprints

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Seven years. Two people, born on opposite sides of the world. A young man, wondering when he would meet his bride. A young woman, waiting for her husband. God brings them together to meet online. They fall in love through letters, emails, instant messaging, Skype, and phone calls. Six years. Boy meets girl in the Atlanta airport. Girl's heart skips a beat when she sees her love running towards her for the first time with a bouquet of roses in his hand. He proposes, a month after she arrives. She says yes. (They forget to take engagement pictures together.) They say goodbye once again...this time for 3 months as they attend school in separate states. More letters, emails, Skype and phone calls, oftentimes using a borrowed cell phone since she did not have her own. They reunite for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and spend lots of time growing together as a couple. She is unexpectedly accepted into his school as a transfer student, when there were

Too Much To Do

Again...all I can say is how grateful I am. This week has been kinda crazy busy, very overwhelming at times, and Selah has not been sleeping well for almost 2 weeks. BUT, I serve an incredible, mighty, loving God who cares about me. Since beginning school, I have really  tried to set aside Shabbat (Sabbath - Saturday) as a day of complete rest. I don't have housework scheduled for Saturdays, but up until now I've just done whatever. If I notice a job needing to be done, I'll do it. But, when I began school, I felt like I needed to set that day aside completely from homework and housework - not because I legalistically "can't" do anything on Shabbat, but because I knew I needed some dedicated time in my week that I knew I would just be able to breathe, relax, recharge for the week. I've been doing this for the last two weekends, and it has been amazing! It is so nice to look at projects I really want to be working on throughout the week and know that th

Gifts in the Moment

Can I just say how *thankful* I am? This has been a rough week or so with sleep, and of course with sleeplessness, it becomes harder to function. Nerves are on edge, it's harder to get stuff done...and it doesn't help when school is getting into fast-paced mode. On Monday night, I got all confused about what day it was, and I honestly started to think it was Friday night. I thought, "Wow, I'm glad it's Shabbat (Sabbath) tomorrow, because I sure need it!" There is something about services at Beth Yeshua that just make you stop and put your stresses and just plain ole' life aside and breathe. Breathe in more of God and less of me. And somewhere in that service, all of a sudden my problems don't feel so big and my God seems even bigger. I guess you could just sum all that up by saying every service at Beth Yeshua is one in which I encounter the presence of God. Anyway, I have to admit, I was rather disappointed when I realized it was not  Friday, but

My Fitness Journal Post #1

Fitness. The ultimate goal. The seemingly unreachable goal. I have a problem. Or I should say, I had a problem. I was a wimp. If exercise got too hard, I just plain quit. Why make yourself go through pain and sweat? It wasn't fun. It wasn't enjoyable. So, I quit. Here's the problem with my problem: it's not good for me. I know, incredibly basic, right? It's actually a bit more complicated than that. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - a condition that essentially means my hormones are out of wack and my ovaries don't do what they're supposed to. With that, I am at a significantly higher-than-average risk for the following conditions: Type 2 Diabetes High blood pressure Cholesterol and lipid abnormalities Cardiovascular disease Severe liver inflammation Endometrial cancer Gestational diabetes or pregnancy-induced high blood pressure Fun list, huh? :/ The first time I saw this list, I just felt totally depressed. I felt like I was doomed or so

Lessons

Tonight I just wanted to share a little bit about my journey surrounding this deployment and a little of what I'm learning. Bear with me if I'm a little disjointed - I am tired and have a lot of school stuff on my mind. As we approached "6 months til see you later" last fall, it just became really hard for me to accept and deal with what was happening. I wrestled a lot with God at that time...a lot of tears were shed, feeling the lonely ache that would only grow stronger, and wondering why this had to happen. My husband had been gone so much  in 2012, and while I knew deployment was a possibility long before that, I guess somewhere inside of me I was trying to deny that it would actually come. But, come it did...and with it came a whirlwind of emotions that I really didn't know how to handle. One night in September as I faced another separation from my husband - this time for a month - I just wept, and if you know me, you know that I don't cry often. But t

A Little "Life" Update

I keep having all these random thoughts running through my head for a blog post, and since I've been way too busy to sit down and write a blog post for each idea, I figured I'd just mash all our little news tid-bits into this one post. :) So, here's the latest happenings... * I took Selah for allergy testing this week after she recently broke out pretty bad from our dog. The test was, of course, not exactly fun for Selah, but she did better than I expected (in part because they didn't do a blood test like her pediatrician had said they would). The test confirmed she is definitely allergic to dogs. Sad day. But, the allergist said that we can definitely keep Honey (our golden retriever), as long as she continues to stay outside. Also, he mentioned a few other things...Selah is more at risk now for other allergies, including dust and mite allergies. Consequently, he said a house with no carpet would be best for her. Unfortunately, that is not an option, at least for

FAQS about This Season

Throughout this season, I have had many people ask me questions about various aspects of our military life, so I thought perhaps I should address them here. This post may be a little random, but bear with me. When will you get to see your husband again? We will get to see each other again when he gets home in the spring. The times we were able to visit in May (for 4 days) and July (for 7 days) were his "RnR" - aka the time the military gives servicemembers to spend with their families. Now we are into the long haul of waiting for him to get home. Why didn't you move to Australia? or... Why didn't you stay in Australia longer on your recent trip? I have gotten both questions more times than I can count. In short, I felt like it was crucial for Selah to have a little bit of stability in her life in the midst of a very big part of her life (Daddy) leaving for a long time. One of the reasons we made the move to Georgia in December was so that we could set up our hou

A Simple Thank You

My God... You are my rest. You are my joy. You are my healing. You are my strength. You are everything that I need. You are the One who keeps me going. You are the reason that I can sing in one of the hardest seasons of my life. How I thank You, and praise You, for all that You are to me.

How are you?

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So how are you? Well...(that's a deep subject) it's hard to say. Here, in this moment, I'm doing fine. I'm happy...I just had a wonderful conversation with my love, my house is mostly clean, it's peaceful and quiet. A candle burns on my coffee table and the scent wafts through my house. But, if you'd asked me 5-6 hours ago how I was doing, the answer would have been different. The answer would have been "Please give me some sanity and take my child." I wanted my hubby home. I wanted normal. I wanted a moment - just one - to myself. I wanted to be able to finish a project without a baby crying incessantly. I wanted to be able to be Rebekah, wife to Caleb, perfectionist, the one with the ultra clean house, the mom who had it together. But I wasn't. I didn't have it all together. I didn't feel like me. I felt like tired, frazzled, frustrated mama who most certainly does not  have it all together. The toys scattered all over three roo

Friday

I don't really know where to begin. This has been weighing on me since Friday, and I still haven't figured out the exact word to describe how I'm feeling. At Selah's one year doctor's appointment, the doctor and I discussed her weight a little. I knew she wanted Selah to gain more - we've been talking about it for several months. But, as far as I understood, it was always a "She's doing fine, I'd just like to see her a little chubbier" kind of conversation. And honestly, that's how the conversation seemed to go on Friday too. The doc recommended I start Selah on Pediasure just to help her get enough calories, and I told her we'd give it a shot. She gave me a WIC prescription in case we were eligible (I wasn't sure at the time) and I stuffed it in the diaper bag, figuring I'd check it out later. Well, when I got home and looked at the prescription, I saw three words I had never even considered being applied to Selah:  "f

I am behind...

I enthusiastically signed up for an online Bible study a few weeks ago, declaring to myself that I was not  going to fall behind this time as is commonly my manner. This time, I will stay on top of it, I determined. Yet here I am, and I'm behind. I can't say it doesn't bother me. It does. I feel like it's not that hard, plenty of other people are keeping up to date on it - so why can't I? And, this is supposed to be a community-building study - a time when I can learn and grow spiritually in a community of military wives. I just know that there's more I could get out of this study if I was doing it at the same pace as everyone else. But then I remember what God has been showing me of late: perfection isn't necessary. There is no panel of judges scoring me on whether I complete my Bible study on the assigned schedule. There's no laundry police giving me an F on my wifely report card for not having folded that load of laundry in the dryer. And there&

I miss you...

I miss you. I miss holding your hand on the way to church. I miss rambling your ear off at random moments in the day. I miss waking up to your handsome face on the pillow beside me. I miss you stealing the blankets. I miss being in your arms - the ultimate feeling of "home". I miss the way you rub my shoulders when you're standing by me. I miss you leaving our closet door open. I miss doing your laundry. I miss the buzz of your phone alarm going off in the morning. It's crazy how much I miss you, and it's only been 4 days. I don't know how I will make it through the next 361 days. But I do know this: I am so proud of you, love. I'll be waiting for you - no matter what.

sanctuary

It's something I don't quite know how to explain. Yet somehow, each week, I feel the same way.  Saturday comes and goes...but it is not just a day to me any more. It is a day of worship - worship so very different from what I have ever known, worship that transcends lyrics or tunes or atmosphere. I walk in, and I am empty. I am tired. I am broken. I am wondering  if I can make it through the coming week - 7 days that feel too big and overwhelming for me to handle. I am wondering whether my daughter will be "that" child that will disrupt the service. But, I am   here. I breathe in and take my seat. While I sit I am overwhelmed by how great God is - not because of anything said by any one person, but because of how evident He is in their joy, their manner. And as I sit, I can't help but think that this is the way it is supposed to be. Sanctuary. Peace. Joy. Conviction. Worship. All of these I find here, in this special place. I walk in the door and I am w

Dancing

I am so exhausted...Selah had a rough night last night and we have had a busy day today between going to Beth Yeshua this morning, lunch with new friends, and then spending some time with the fam celebrating DD/Mom's birthday. Today wasn't easy - Selah only took two very brief naps and was very difficult during lunch and the afternoon, and I have really been missing my hubby. But, I found this quote recently that I am really trying to embrace in this time of separation:  "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain." Sometimes it's easy for me to think, "When he gets home, it'll be easier" or "I can't wait for this time to be over so life can go back to normal" - essentially just longing for the norm, especially in those tough "single" parent moments. But, that quote reminds me of the absolute importance that I live in this  moment. Life cannot stop because it is not pict

God of anger or love?

Since we moved, we have been attending a Messianic synagogue. Yes, I know that probably sounds like some kind of Old Testament group, or a cult or something. But in reality, it has been a beautiful experience. I won't go into all the details of what the synagogue is all about, except to say that it is a fully-functioning Church body, and in my humble opinion, it is church done the way God intended. One of the things I love about the synagogue is that I truly feel like I have gotten to know who God is. It's not because of any one specific thing that's been said, it's just, I don't know - Rabbi Greg has a way of making the pieces of Scripture fit together in a way that just makes God make sense. When Rabbi speaks, I see the Old and New Testament as a symphony - working together to create something beautiful. However, I have spent many years - almost my whole life - in Baptist circles. I will not dismiss all of the teaching I was given, for I believe much of it wa