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Showing posts from 2015
My heart this week... "Oh the love that set me free You bring hope to those in need You have written and redeemed my story." So very grateful to be free. So thankful to be Yours--chosen, treasured, beloved. So thankful for the ways He has redeemed my story and made it something beautiful. "Let my eyes see Your kingdom shine all around Let my heart overflow with passion for Your name Let my life be a song, revealing who You are." I pray I always live up to such a calling.

Pruning & Life

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Ever have a moment where God reveals something to you in the middle of doing something mundane? Tonight I had a few minutes after Selah went to bed to do some desperately needed pruning in our veggie patch. As I snipped, I remembered watching a former neighbor (back in Sedalia) trimming her yard back at the beginning of spring. I felt like she was going waaaay overboard and in a strange sort of way, felt sorry for her plants. I really thought there was no way some of those plants would come back with how severely she was trimming. Well, wouldn't you know it, but a few weeks later, those plants were blooming beautifully - far more lovely than they had been before the pruning. I was shocked! Looking at my own veggie patch today, I could relate to my neighbor. Some of my plants, though flourishing, needed trimming to allow for new growth to come. Some plants were struggling and needed dead parts to be pruned away. And others just needed sections cut away to allow light in.

Grateful

Do you know that joy is a choice? I knew it in my head. Somewhere in the midst of eleven long months of deployment, I learned it. But it hadn't really hit my heart until a sunny day in the month of May - a day which could have been my last. I was out on a kayak with my daughter when the wind flipped us over. It wouldn't have been so bad, except I didn't have a life jacket on. I'm not really sure how many times I went under water. All I know is that there came a point where I knew I had a choice: hold on or die. There was no room in my mind to think of calling for help. All I could focus on was surviving that  moment. Every ounce of energy I had was poured into gripping that kayak, into keeping us above water somehow. There came a moment when I was laying on my back holding onto the kayak. Water was washing over my eyes, but I didn't care - all that mattered was that my mouth was above water. All I cared about in that moment was that I could breathe. It w

Empty

Do you ever have moments where you just feel utterly crushed? When you see your dreams falling away, crumbling before your eyes...and you wonder what will be left?

What I Wish You Knew

I wish you knew... what it was like to sit and dream for something, but have to remind yourself it may never happen how it feels to watch your dream being lived out in the lives of most of your friends yet still be unattainable for you what it's like to not even be able to go to the mall without having your deepest pain thrown in your face as you walk by maternity clothing stores, see the pregnant teenagers, hear the cries of a little baby how it feels to not be able to walk into a doctor's office without having an emotional meltdown what it's like to feel like you aren't woman enough to bear children Infertility so easily strips you of your identity as a woman. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't ever been there, but it's our reality. It's like your one main purpose, you just can't fulfil. Your body doesn't work right. You feel like less of a woman. You feel like maybe you're just not good enough, or you've sinned too

Eleven letters

It's just one little word. Eleven little letters. But they crush me. You see, I hadn't planned this. For as long as I remember, I had planned on having lots of kids. My sisters would talk about specific numbers. I would say "as many as God gives me," but in my mind, that meant an abundance - six or eight or more. I grew up in a big family - I'm one of five, my dad is one of ten, my grandma is one of twelve. Of course I'd have a big family! I never expected this . I never expected infertility to become a part of my life. Yet, completely uninvited, it came. Some would say, "be content with what you have!" or "at least you have one child." I say, you don't understand what it's like to see your dreams crushed every single month. How it feels to wonder if they will ever be fulfilled? What it's like to watch your friends and your family members get pregnant when they want to while you stand by. To have this happen year after

This Army life (and deployment)...

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No exaggeration, this was the best moment of my life. Spending a whole year apart - birthdays, anniversaries, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas - is not easy. We had already spent many special occasions apart as a result of military training (I think we've averaged one birthday together every 3 years).  But deployment was different. You don't have the luxury of looking forward to seeing your spouse in just a few days or weeks. The months stretch long, and it feels endless sometimes. There are so many emotions that coincide with the days apart - emotions that are hard to comprehend unless you've been there. Before he left, there was fear. What if he came back a different person? What would he see in combat? Would he return home scarred, physically or emotionally, from war? So many questions, and no answers. There is also a lot of emotion from trying to prepare for letting go of the person you love most in the world. It literally feels like you're being torn