It's something that I was talking to someone about recently - a lesson I thought I'd learned. A lesson they were learning. A hard lesson. But of late, I'm re-learning. I have to worship in the waiting.
Right now, I'm waiting for my husband to come home. He's been gone about 8 months, and every one of them I have missed him more. The waiting isn't easy at all. Sometimes I get busy and the hours pass without me noticing...but make no mistake, I still miss him. I still want him by my side more than anything. I have my days when I just want to cry and fall apart - I'm human.
At the same time, I know God has purpose in this season. After all, why else would He have brought us to this? So, I have walked these eight months trying to keep that mindset. I have tried to look at each new week as an opportunity to further allow Him to fulfil His purpose in me. And, for the most part, it keeps me going when things get tough.
But lately I've gotten to think more and more about this next year. Next year is a great big unknown for us - another season of waiting. We don't know where we're moving. We don't know where our income is coming from. We don't know what timeframe we're moving. Pretty much, there's nothing we know about next year.
It's not easy. I am a planner. I like to have a roadmap for what's coming next and have the house picked, the job lined up, the dates worked out. I like to be prepared. God hasn't given me that life though. A few weekends ago, as I was reflecting on what I wanted, God showed me something. I wanted a mundane, even boring existence. I already knew that. But what He showed me was that He had traded my boring dreams and gave me adventure instead. He gave me much more than I ever wanted. He has taken me places I never thought I'd go. My life looks nothing like I'd planned...but it is so fulfilling. I am happy, and I know that I am happier than I ever would have been if my Plan A or Plan B had worked out.
Anyway, getting back to what I was saying... this next year scares me sometimes. I think that's only natural, I mean, it doesn't make any kind of sense. When I went to the retreat, I think a part of me was hoping that the heavens would open and God would say, "THIS is what I want you and Caleb to do and THIS is the place you will do it, and here's the moving date." (Why exactly did I think God would fit into my box, again? :) ) But He didn't. The retreat was amazing and I experienced God in a way I never have before, but there was no answer to my questions.
My Abba did give me some words at the retreat though. The big one was "faithful". I am so overwhelmed by that word. All that we have seen God do in the past 5 years, from providing grocery money in our mailbox to giving us a car when we had no income at all - how could I possibly doubt Him after seeing all that? But I was. At the retreat, I felt as though I gazed deeply into the eyes of my Father and all I could do was weep - weep at the stupidity of my unbelief in light of His great faithfulness.
And so, with the dawning of the new year comes another season of waiting - this time for direction, for finances, for timing for our move/s. And by His grace, and His power, even in this season of the unknown, I will worship.