Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Wonderful.

It was just two words - two words that meant the world to me. You've said them before, but tonight, I needed them so much.

You're wonderful.

You couldn't know just how much my heart has been aching of late, how much pain has been stirring that I haven't known what to do with or even known how to share. You didn't know how I have wrestled in my faith walk, trying to figure out who I am and who He is and wrap my head around it all.

This last day or two, in my heart I have been crying out - begging my Abba to reveal Himself to me. I couldn't form the words; my heart is too raw. But He knew. He could hear the deep cries, the words that just couldn't spill from my lips.

And then, your words came. You told me I was wonderful. You meant it just as a little encouragement after a rough day.

But for me? They were words from Him - tender whispers of who I am, of what He thinks of me. And when you pulled me close and held me, it was His arms that I felt, enfolding me in His love.

So thank you - thank you for showing me a little more of who He is. Thank you for bringing just a little taste of healing.

"In the darkness, 
I can feel Your light,
Wrap around me
In my suffering, 
I can feel Your joy,
Rising in me now
And I wait, 
flooded with the strength of Your peace."

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Nightmares

It happened again last night - demons dragging me from my sleep. They torment me...pulling up vivid memories from my past and crafting new stories, stories that while not true, are based around reality. I wake and my husband holds me close and whispers, "It's okay, it's over now."

But in my heart, it's not okay.

It's not okay, because it's not over. The dream is over, but the feelings are not - the feelings of powerlessness, of fear, of being controlled. The feelings of utter worthlessness, of deep hurt. But intertwined with them are new feelings - anger, sorrow, sadness deeper than I can describe.

I wish I could wish it away - this torment that seems to loom over me. I wish I could "just" forgive and let it all go. But I have forgiven, and it's still here, still lingering in my life. The pain doesn't hurt any less, maybe it even hurts more.

I long for restoration, for peace, to not have to look to others to fill that role in my life. I long for things to be different, for my reality to be different. But I think at this point, I am realistically realizing it may never happen. Until he chooses otherwise, our relationship is broken.

I've forgiven. I've tried so hard to forget. I've thrown myself at his mercy and hoped for some beautiful kind of restoration to come. I've made myself vulnerable.

And each time, it gets thrown back in my face.

You're never good enough.

You can't please me. 

You are not smart enough. 

You haven't done enough.

And it all just seems to boil down to this: You aren't enough.

So I get up and try again - try to become who he wants me to be, try so desperately to, just for one moment, feel like I am worthy of his acceptance as a person.

But I fail. I do something silly. And the words spew out yet again - you're not enough.

I'm tired of trying, of wishing, of hoping. I'm tired of trying to be something or someone I'm not in hopes of receiving acceptance and love. If it hasn't come in twenty-seven years, I am starting to doubt it will ever come.

The pressure is gone. I don't have to be who he wants me to be any more. I can be me.

I just wish the nightmares, the past, could be gone too. Someday - I hold on to that hope.