Sunday, June 23, 2013

How are you?

So how are you?

Well...(that's a deep subject) it's hard to say.

Here, in this moment, I'm doing fine. I'm happy...I just had a wonderful conversation with my love, my house is mostly clean, it's peaceful and quiet. A candle burns on my coffee table and the scent wafts through my house.

But, if you'd asked me 5-6 hours ago how I was doing, the answer would have been different. The answer would have been "Please give me some sanity and take my child." I wanted my hubby home. I wanted normal. I wanted a moment - just one - to myself. I wanted to be able to finish a project without a baby crying incessantly.

I wanted to be able to be Rebekah, wife to Caleb, perfectionist, the one with the ultra clean house, the mom who had it together.

But I wasn't. I didn't have it all together. I didn't feel like me. I felt like tired, frazzled, frustrated mama who most certainly does not have it all together. The toys scattered all over three rooms, the half completed project on the table, the multiple other projects awaiting my attention, the half completed laundry - it was as if each one was another brick laid on my back to carry.

But here's what I realized: it's not my burden to carry. I'm not strong enough to hold up each of these responsibilities. I'm weak. I can't do it. But my God can.

So if you're wondering how I'm doing with my hubby being away...the answer is, it depends on the day/time. Some days, I struggle a lot. I want him home. I miss him so much. I long for the day when he will be home. Other days, I remember that God has a purpose for each of us in this time, and with all my heart I want to fulfill it.

Regardless, I can get through the day because HE is strong for me.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Friday

I don't really know where to begin. This has been weighing on me since Friday, and I still haven't figured out the exact word to describe how I'm feeling.

At Selah's one year doctor's appointment, the doctor and I discussed her weight a little. I knew she wanted Selah to gain more - we've been talking about it for several months. But, as far as I understood, it was always a "She's doing fine, I'd just like to see her a little chubbier" kind of conversation. And honestly, that's how the conversation seemed to go on Friday too. The doc recommended I start Selah on Pediasure just to help her get enough calories, and I told her we'd give it a shot. She gave me a WIC prescription in case we were eligible (I wasn't sure at the time) and I stuffed it in the diaper bag, figuring I'd check it out later.

Well, when I got home and looked at the prescription, I saw three words I had never even considered being applied to Selah:  "failure to thrive". Yeah, she's scrawny, and yeah, she hasn't tripled her birth weight yet...but I never honestly considered that there was something wrong with her weight. After all, she was hitting every developmental milestone right on time or early. So, the diagnosis came as a shock.

At first I think I kind of denied that she really had a problem. I told myself that the doc just wasn't taking into account her length (which is at the 75th percentile for her age). But when I took a look at the growth charts and saw just how low Selah fell - below the 5th percentile - I realized this was more than a doctor being paranoid.

Since starting solids, Selah has never really been a big eater. She would eat maybe 3oz of baby food at a meal and be perfectly ok with that. When she started eating 6oz at a meal at around the 9mo mark, I was absolutely floored. I guess I just always figured that she didn't have a big appetite and that she had a fast metabolism.

But in the last few months, it's gotten worse. At some meals she would eat 3-4 pieces of the meal and be totally done. It didn't matter what it was, she didn't want to eat. The past 2 weeks or so, she had days where we practically had to beg her to eat, even with things that were her favorites. Now, teething does play into that some, and her eating takes a HUGE nosedive any time she is teething. But still, for a toddler to be going maybe all day eating half a granola bar is not normal.

So, we have some kind of a feeding issue on our hands, and to be honest, I have absolutely no idea what to do or where to go from here. Pediasure is so incredibly expensive, and at the amounts the pediatrician wants her having daily, we would be spending almost $150 a month just on that, not even including food. I don't love the idea of giving her a sugary drink to bump up her weight. But what else do I do?

So, for now I am kind of fumbling my way along, trying to figure out what to do for Selah.


Sunday, June 2, 2013

I am behind...

I enthusiastically signed up for an online Bible study a few weeks ago, declaring to myself that I was not going to fall behind this time as is commonly my manner. This time, I will stay on top of it, I determined.

Yet here I am, and I'm behind.

I can't say it doesn't bother me. It does. I feel like it's not that hard, plenty of other people are keeping up to date on it - so why can't I? And, this is supposed to be a community-building study - a time when I can learn and grow spiritually in a community of military wives. I just know that there's more I could get out of this study if I was doing it at the same pace as everyone else.

But then I remember what God has been showing me of late: perfection isn't necessary. There is no panel of judges scoring me on whether I complete my Bible study on the assigned schedule. There's no laundry police giving me an F on my wifely report card for not having folded that load of laundry in the dryer. And there's no organization specialist who is going to inspect my junk room and sneer at the mess that seems to perpetually gather there.

What a relief.

And so, I picked up my Bible study last night, almost two weeks behind, and started to read. Over and over again, one theme resounded: you are weak; find your strength in God. I kind of took in the words, realizing that they're something I need to remember through this time separated from my love, but I don't think I grasped just how much God wanted me to hear them.

Then today at the Shabbat service, the music and Rabbi's message seemed to carry one theme: you can't do it alone - you need God. Reminder #2 of a lesson I obviously really need to hear.

And...then I came home, and thought I'd pick up a second Bible study I started recently (and was several days behind on). These words stood out:

"I might be able to pull it off for a little while, but eventually my limitations show up in the form of weakness, comparison, or plain ol’exhaustion. I drop this ball or lose that battle, and before long I throw my hands up,
certain my grown-up report card reads F, F, F.

If our God measures the Earth's waters in his hand, holds the earth's dust in a basket, and throws planets into the atmosphere all while attending to small details like designing butterfly wings, then He can handle my responsibilities. Yours too. He isn't scared off or overwhelmed by them. He isn't too busy to care. He is just waiting on us to call on Him.

The moment we do is the moment He saves."

So, I've decided I'm not so behind after all - I'm right on schedule for what God wants me to hear.

Abba, open my ears to the truth you would have me hear. Help me to speak less and listen to You more. I desperately need you.