I enthusiastically signed up for an online Bible study a few weeks ago, declaring to myself that I was not going to fall behind this time as is commonly my manner. This time, I will stay on top of it, I determined.
Yet here I am, and I'm behind.
I can't say it doesn't bother me. It does. I feel like it's not that hard, plenty of other people are keeping up to date on it - so why can't I? And, this is supposed to be a community-building study - a time when I can learn and grow spiritually in a community of military wives. I just know that there's more I could get out of this study if I was doing it at the same pace as everyone else.
But then I remember what God has been showing me of late: perfection isn't necessary. There is no panel of judges scoring me on whether I complete my Bible study on the assigned schedule. There's no laundry police giving me an F on my wifely report card for not having folded that load of laundry in the dryer. And there's no organization specialist who is going to inspect my junk room and sneer at the mess that seems to perpetually gather there.
What a relief.
And so, I picked up my Bible study last night, almost two weeks behind, and started to read. Over and over again, one theme resounded: you are weak; find your strength in God. I kind of took in the words, realizing that they're something I need to remember through this time separated from my love, but I don't think I grasped just how much God wanted me to hear them.
Then today at the Shabbat service, the music and Rabbi's message seemed to carry one theme: you can't do it alone - you need God. Reminder #2 of a lesson I obviously really need to hear.
And...then I came home, and thought I'd pick up a second Bible study I started recently (and was several days behind on). These words stood out:
"I might be able to pull it off for a little while, but eventually my limitations show up in the form of weakness, comparison, or plain ol’exhaustion. I drop this ball or lose that battle, and before long I throw my hands up,
certain my grown-up report card reads F, F, F.
If our God measures the Earth's waters in his hand, holds the earth's dust in a basket, and throws planets into the atmosphere all while attending to small details like designing butterfly wings, then He can handle my responsibilities. Yours too. He isn't scared off or overwhelmed by them. He isn't too busy to care. He is just waiting on us to call on Him.
The moment we do is the moment He saves."
So, I've decided I'm not so behind after all - I'm right on schedule for what God wants me to hear.
Abba, open my ears to the truth you would have me hear. Help me to speak less and listen to You more. I desperately need you.