Thursday, April 2, 2015

What I Wish You Knew

I wish you knew...

what it was like to sit and dream for something, but have to remind yourself it may never happen

how it feels to watch your dream being lived out in the lives of most of your friends yet still be unattainable for you

what it's like to not even be able to go to the mall without having your deepest pain thrown in your face as you walk by maternity clothing stores, see the pregnant teenagers, hear the cries of a little baby

how it feels to not be able to walk into a doctor's office without having an emotional meltdown

what it's like to feel like you aren't woman enough to bear children

Infertility so easily strips you of your identity as a woman. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't ever been there, but it's our reality. It's like your one main purpose, you just can't fulfil. Your body doesn't work right. You feel like less of a woman. You feel like maybe you're just not good enough, or you've sinned too much, or maybe you're just not enough to receive the blessing of a child. And it's haunting to think about.

If you've ever walked into an infertility doctor's office, you'll see. Everyone looks down or away, because none of us want to acknowledge the reality of what we're here for. The disappointment, the hurt, the grief - they are so great that sometimes even knowing others are going through the same thing just isn't enough for us to want to talk.

I mean, talking is the one thing we want to do - find some way to process it all - but we can't. The pain is too raw, too real.

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