Grateful

Do you know that joy is a choice?

I knew it in my head. Somewhere in the midst of eleven long months of deployment, I learned it. But it hadn't really hit my heart until a sunny day in the month of May - a day which could have been my last.

I was out on a kayak with my daughter when the wind flipped us over. It wouldn't have been so bad, except I didn't have a life jacket on. I'm not really sure how many times I went under water. All I know is that there came a point where I knew I had a choice: hold on or die.

There was no room in my mind to think of calling for help. All I could focus on was surviving that moment.

Every ounce of energy I had was poured into gripping that kayak, into keeping us above water somehow.

There came a moment when I was laying on my back holding onto the kayak. Water was washing over my eyes, but I didn't care - all that mattered was that my mouth was above water. All I cared about in that moment was that I could breathe.

It was the scariest moment of my life.

But it was a moment that gave me so much clarity too.

I remember as soon as help came, all I could say was "thank you." I was crushed by the weight of my gratitude. These people didn't just pick up a stranger in their boat; in a sense, they gave me the gift of life.

And I remember, as I stepped off the boat, feeling like all the weight of the things I have let drag me down - a messy past, infertility, life not looking the way I thought it would - it was all just gone. All I was left with was a deep gratitude - gratitude for life.

My reality is, I could easily have not survived that day. The boats could have never seen me. All of the family could have never noticed us in the water. I could have lost strength. I could have died.

But God gave me the gift of life.

He didn't have to. But He did.

I've lived so long not realizing I had an entitlement mentality, feeling like God owed me something - a baby, financial stability, whatever. I felt like my joy depended (at least somewhat) on what I had or didn't have.

But on that day, truth flooded my soul. He doesn't owe me anything. He's given me life. And that is enough.

Comments

  1. So heartwrenching. So amazing. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I love you my sis, B.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To the one who is waiting...

Two Steps Back