Eight Things NOT to Say to a Woman Dealing with Infertility
1. Have you tried reducing stress in your life?
Ya know, there is absolutely no medical basis for this kind of statement. Plenty of babies have been conceived in stressful times--let's think about war, tornadoes, major storm systems... Less stress does not necessarily equal an easier time getting pregnant.
2. Maybe you should look into adoption.
Adoption is not a quick fix for people struggling to get pregnant. Speaking from my own situation, I want (and believe God will give us) the experience of carrying my babies in my belly, birthing them, etc. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE adoption. I want to adopt someday. But that doesn't change my desire for bio kids, too.
Also, can we just stop for a minute and realize kids available for adoption aren't a commodity to fill a need?!? They are people too. They have needs, many of which are more complex because of the situations they are born into. They need parents who are ready to work through these needs with them, not people who are trying to use them as a bandaid for an unmet desire. Okay, rant over.
3. Have you tried _____ position?
Thanks for making things awkward, y'all. Let me tell you this: you don't know awkward until you go through infertility testing and you have to disclose every intimate detail of your life to a complete stranger. Please don't make it more awkward by suggesting sexual positions to grown women.
4. What about ____ supplement or medication?
Most of the time, we're working with medical professionals who have seen/dealt with our fertility issues before. We've probably also done our research on things to boost fertility, including natural supplements. I've tried lots of things, but they haven't worked.
5. Maybe you should take a vacation!
Been there, done that, have the t-shirt...literally. Vacations are not magically able to remove medical issues preventing pregnancy.
6. Maybe when you stop thinking about it, it'll happen!
This one kills me. When we got pregnant with Selah, we were smack dab in the middle of fertility testing, in a high stress environment (aka flight school), and we were well and truly thinking about having a baby. Babies don't happen because you stop thinking about them...
7. Are you pregnant yet?
Okay, this journey is painful enough as it is; we don't need any extra pressure. I wish I could shout this from the rooftops: DO NOT ASK A WOMAN IF SHE IS PREGNANT. Just don't do it. Please consider the fact that we have literally waited for that positive test for months or years and we will be absolutely ecstatic to share our news when we get it. Until then, assume we aren't pregnant and keep praying for us.
8. Do you want more children?
I understand some people might not feel comfortable sharing about their fertility journey publicly, so you might not know they struggle. Before I spoke about my struggle, I had many people ask if we wanted children, if we planned on having more, etc. However, while this might be normal conversation in some circles, for a woman struggling with infertility, it can be another devastating reminder that her dream is unfulfilled. It really is best not to ask this question unless you have a close relationship with that person.
Really, all of this info boils down to this: be respectful. You don't know where a woman is in her journey--if she's brand new to testing, if she doesn't even know she has an issue, if she's walked this path for a decade. If you've never walked this journey, you can't understand the pain she carries or how deep her grief is. So please, be kind. Pray. Believe with us. And hope with us for our miracle.
Ya know, there is absolutely no medical basis for this kind of statement. Plenty of babies have been conceived in stressful times--let's think about war, tornadoes, major storm systems... Less stress does not necessarily equal an easier time getting pregnant.
2. Maybe you should look into adoption.
Adoption is not a quick fix for people struggling to get pregnant. Speaking from my own situation, I want (and believe God will give us) the experience of carrying my babies in my belly, birthing them, etc. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE adoption. I want to adopt someday. But that doesn't change my desire for bio kids, too.
Also, can we just stop for a minute and realize kids available for adoption aren't a commodity to fill a need?!? They are people too. They have needs, many of which are more complex because of the situations they are born into. They need parents who are ready to work through these needs with them, not people who are trying to use them as a bandaid for an unmet desire. Okay, rant over.
3. Have you tried _____ position?
Thanks for making things awkward, y'all. Let me tell you this: you don't know awkward until you go through infertility testing and you have to disclose every intimate detail of your life to a complete stranger. Please don't make it more awkward by suggesting sexual positions to grown women.
4. What about ____ supplement or medication?
Most of the time, we're working with medical professionals who have seen/dealt with our fertility issues before. We've probably also done our research on things to boost fertility, including natural supplements. I've tried lots of things, but they haven't worked.
5. Maybe you should take a vacation!
Been there, done that, have the t-shirt...literally. Vacations are not magically able to remove medical issues preventing pregnancy.
6. Maybe when you stop thinking about it, it'll happen!
This one kills me. When we got pregnant with Selah, we were smack dab in the middle of fertility testing, in a high stress environment (aka flight school), and we were well and truly thinking about having a baby. Babies don't happen because you stop thinking about them...
7. Are you pregnant yet?
Okay, this journey is painful enough as it is; we don't need any extra pressure. I wish I could shout this from the rooftops: DO NOT ASK A WOMAN IF SHE IS PREGNANT. Just don't do it. Please consider the fact that we have literally waited for that positive test for months or years and we will be absolutely ecstatic to share our news when we get it. Until then, assume we aren't pregnant and keep praying for us.
8. Do you want more children?
I understand some people might not feel comfortable sharing about their fertility journey publicly, so you might not know they struggle. Before I spoke about my struggle, I had many people ask if we wanted children, if we planned on having more, etc. However, while this might be normal conversation in some circles, for a woman struggling with infertility, it can be another devastating reminder that her dream is unfulfilled. It really is best not to ask this question unless you have a close relationship with that person.
Really, all of this info boils down to this: be respectful. You don't know where a woman is in her journey--if she's brand new to testing, if she doesn't even know she has an issue, if she's walked this path for a decade. If you've never walked this journey, you can't understand the pain she carries or how deep her grief is. So please, be kind. Pray. Believe with us. And hope with us for our miracle.
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