Promises in the Storm
I've been getting a lot of questions lately about how I'm feeling, where things are up to in our journey, etc. I figured that means it's time for an update here. ;)
Many of you know I ended up getting a UTI and C-diff about a month ago that made me sick for about a month. The ER doctor thought my pain was related to the UTI since they ruled out any issues with my appendix. However, the pain persisted for weeks after the UTI was resolved and actually worsened, so I ended up bringing it up with Dr. Poppy. A quick exam led her to believe I had an ovarian cyst. Last week, I had an ultrasound performed which confirmed the presence of an ovarian cyst that is almost the size of my ovary. OUCH! No wonder there was so much pain. Thankfully, my pain levels have now eased, though I can still feel the cyst sometimes. I'm not sure what the game plan is with that--I'm waiting to hear back from Dr. P.
The C-diff and all associated symptoms have now cleared up, so I'm back to normal. My immune system seems to have improved (aka I'm not getting sick constantly), for which I am very thankful. I do still get tired sometimes but overall, I'm back to full health.
On the baby #2 front, there's not much to share. We have confirmed that I do not ovulate consistently, making it challenging for me to get pregnant. Dr. Poppy has me taking a few medications to try to help my body to ovulate and sustain a pregnancy. I am noticing positive changes since being on the medication in terms of mood and just generally feeling more balanced. I feel better, more like myself--which just makes me realize how out of whack things were. I'm thankful for modern medicine at times like these!
We have also done a little more testing that we're waiting to hear results from. Testing is sort of the epitome of bittersweet. It is wonderful to have information and know what's going on, but it's also a huge emotional rollercoaster. When I had my ultrasound to diagnose the cyst, I couldn't see the screen. I could tell the sonographer was taking a bunch of pictures, but she wasn't allowed to share any information with me. There is nothing that will make your mind start racing with possibilities than a situation like this. Are the results good? Bad? What could be wrong? There are so many questions and waiting for test results can make them worse.
Let's just face it: anything related to trying for a baby with medical help is hugely emotional. Some days, everything is emotional--taking BBT (basal body temperature), charting, remembering to take medication on the right days of my cycle and figuring out doctor's appointments. I know it's not really that many things, but when you're already emotional (helloooo girl hormones), it feels like a lot.
Last month I had a meltdown and told Caleb I was so done with this process, with all the poking and prodding, with all of it. I think it all hit me that we were at this point...again. I spent months going through every kind of invasive fertility test in 2011. I was told by a doctor in 2012 that "you'll probably have no trouble getting pregnant again." In 2013-14, I went through months of further testing and medical help. Here we are again--more tests (some the same), more medical help...still no baby. It can get so very discouraging to muster up some remnants of hope every month and still be disappointed.
So, yes--it's still hard. It hasn't gotten any easier to see negative pregnancy tests month after month, especially when some days it's all I can do to keep up with temping, charting, medicines, etc. It's still hard when people announce their pregnancies, when I see people get pregnant without even trying. I still struggle to make sense of this season, still battle frustration that it's so very difficult for us.
But.
I still believe God is good, and that He is good to me. Some days it's not how I feel. Some days I have to tell myself it's true even when my heart wavers. Some days the grief feels like it swallows up any measure of faith. But even in the midst of this long and unrelenting storm, and even though it hurts deeply, I have to hold on to what I know is true. I have to believe that His promises to me will be fulfilled.
Many of you know I ended up getting a UTI and C-diff about a month ago that made me sick for about a month. The ER doctor thought my pain was related to the UTI since they ruled out any issues with my appendix. However, the pain persisted for weeks after the UTI was resolved and actually worsened, so I ended up bringing it up with Dr. Poppy. A quick exam led her to believe I had an ovarian cyst. Last week, I had an ultrasound performed which confirmed the presence of an ovarian cyst that is almost the size of my ovary. OUCH! No wonder there was so much pain. Thankfully, my pain levels have now eased, though I can still feel the cyst sometimes. I'm not sure what the game plan is with that--I'm waiting to hear back from Dr. P.
The C-diff and all associated symptoms have now cleared up, so I'm back to normal. My immune system seems to have improved (aka I'm not getting sick constantly), for which I am very thankful. I do still get tired sometimes but overall, I'm back to full health.
On the baby #2 front, there's not much to share. We have confirmed that I do not ovulate consistently, making it challenging for me to get pregnant. Dr. Poppy has me taking a few medications to try to help my body to ovulate and sustain a pregnancy. I am noticing positive changes since being on the medication in terms of mood and just generally feeling more balanced. I feel better, more like myself--which just makes me realize how out of whack things were. I'm thankful for modern medicine at times like these!
We have also done a little more testing that we're waiting to hear results from. Testing is sort of the epitome of bittersweet. It is wonderful to have information and know what's going on, but it's also a huge emotional rollercoaster. When I had my ultrasound to diagnose the cyst, I couldn't see the screen. I could tell the sonographer was taking a bunch of pictures, but she wasn't allowed to share any information with me. There is nothing that will make your mind start racing with possibilities than a situation like this. Are the results good? Bad? What could be wrong? There are so many questions and waiting for test results can make them worse.
Let's just face it: anything related to trying for a baby with medical help is hugely emotional. Some days, everything is emotional--taking BBT (basal body temperature), charting, remembering to take medication on the right days of my cycle and figuring out doctor's appointments. I know it's not really that many things, but when you're already emotional (helloooo girl hormones), it feels like a lot.
Last month I had a meltdown and told Caleb I was so done with this process, with all the poking and prodding, with all of it. I think it all hit me that we were at this point...again. I spent months going through every kind of invasive fertility test in 2011. I was told by a doctor in 2012 that "you'll probably have no trouble getting pregnant again." In 2013-14, I went through months of further testing and medical help. Here we are again--more tests (some the same), more medical help...still no baby. It can get so very discouraging to muster up some remnants of hope every month and still be disappointed.
So, yes--it's still hard. It hasn't gotten any easier to see negative pregnancy tests month after month, especially when some days it's all I can do to keep up with temping, charting, medicines, etc. It's still hard when people announce their pregnancies, when I see people get pregnant without even trying. I still struggle to make sense of this season, still battle frustration that it's so very difficult for us.
But.
I still believe God is good, and that He is good to me. Some days it's not how I feel. Some days I have to tell myself it's true even when my heart wavers. Some days the grief feels like it swallows up any measure of faith. But even in the midst of this long and unrelenting storm, and even though it hurts deeply, I have to hold on to what I know is true. I have to believe that His promises to me will be fulfilled.
Thanks for sharing your journey! I can definitely relate to some of your frustrations, and I’m so sorry! I often feel overwhelmed with my endometriosis struggle. The part where you said you were tired of being poked and prodded, I definitely can relate to. I’ve been poked and prodded by all sorts of doctors these past 6 years! And having to deal with all that with no guarantees is especially difficult. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
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