Hills & Valleys: Our Faith Journey

Do you ever have moments where you just feel utterly crushed? When you see your dreams falling away, crumbling before your eyes...and you wonder what will be left?

I wish you knew... what it was like to sit and dream for something, but have to remind yourself it may never happen how it feels to watch your dream being lived out in the lives of most of your friends yet still be unattainable for you what it's like to not even be able to go to the mall without having your deepest pain thrown in your face as you walk by maternity clothing stores, see the pregnant teenagers, hear the cries of a little baby how it feels to not be able to walk into a doctor's office without having an emotional meltdown what it's like to feel like you aren't woman enough to bear children Infertility so easily strips you of your identity as a woman. It's hard to explain to someone who hasn't ever been there, but it's our reality. It's like your one main purpose, you just can't fulfil. Your body doesn't work right. You feel like less of a woman. You feel like maybe you're just not good enough, or you've sinned too ...

It's just one little word. Eleven little letters. But they crush me. You see, I hadn't planned this. For as long as I remember, I had planned on having lots of kids. My sisters would talk about specific numbers. I would say "as many as God gives me," but in my mind, that meant an abundance - six or eight or more. I grew up in a big family - I'm one of five, my dad is one of ten, my grandma is one of twelve. Of course I'd have a big family! I never expected this . I never expected infertility to become a part of my life. Yet, completely uninvited, it came. Some would say, "be content with what you have!" or "at least you have one child." I say, you don't understand what it's like to see your dreams crushed every single month. How it feels to wonder if they will ever be fulfilled? What it's like to watch your friends and your family members get pregnant when they want to while you stand by. To have this happen year after...